How resentment builds up in an ADHD/nonADHD relationship
I once saw a wonderful clip called ‘the working basket’. It featured a young couple who had recently bought a house and moved in together. The girl tells the guy that they have to talk as she cannot continue this way any longer. They both work and yet, when she comes home from work she still has to still do the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry etc. He says “it will be okay.” And proceeds to show her how, from when she moved in, he has always had his dirty laundry disappear and turn into clean clothes. “It’s magic” he says. You can imagine the look she gives him.
In many A(u)DHD/nonA(u)DHD couples a similar dynamic happens. The nonADHD partner picks up the slack without any discussion taking place. For her (or him but let’s stick with one pronoun) it seems like a normal thing to do, to pick things up, arrange things, clean things as you go along, etc. The ADHD partner does not even notice. They are happy to live together and the house seems easy to manage. Over time resentment builds up in the nonADHD partner. As neither is clear on what is happening, the story builds up about this character flaw in the ADHD partner. Each time they do not do something is added to the subconscious list in the nonADHD partner's brain. The ADHD partner, meanwhile, is oblivious.
Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, I had a conversation with a friend who had recently divorced. She was saying that it surprised her just how resentful her ex was, considering that it had been a mutual decision. I asked what the divorce felt like to her. She felt it was freeing, like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders.
A lightbulb moment happened. For her the load had lifted as she stopped having to do things for him. For her ex it meant he suddenly had to carry that load himself. She had taken on that load without question. It was only now that she realised how heavy that load was, and wondered why she had taken it on.
Let’s be clear. It is not the ADHD that is causing the resentment. It is the pattern of behaviour that slowly, subconsciously, becomes established that is causing the resentment. The diagnosis does not start this dynamic, even though that is what couples tend to tell me. For many nonADHD partners a diagnosis can feel like an excuse - another reason not to do the housework or finish any projects. For the ADHD partner it provides an explanation without any way to change anything. They then feel resentful as they feel their partner accuses them of something they cannot help. They feel it is their ADHD doing it. They feel incompetent. They feel shame. So the same criticising and resentful dance continues.
This is not something that medication will automatically shift, no matter how good the medication is. The pattern itself is entrenched and needs addressing. This involves both partners. And that subject is usually where I start with during any of my talks to nonADHD partners. They are equally culpable for that dynamic.
The thing is that some of the resentment that both feel does not truly belong to their relationship. They are patterns from before, from the past, from earlier emotional wounds. During the relationship the automatic dynamic they have fallen into, where one partner carries the load, has intensified the feelings they had before. The fault lies with both.
Blaming each other (or themselves) does no good. It is time to step outside of the dynamic and look at what caused it. That is where I often come in, as the translator, to listen to one partner and translate what it means to the other, and vice versa. In this way understanding grows and small steps can be taken to shift the dynamic to a healthier one.
And in case you were still wondering: No, ADHD does not absolve anyone from doing housework. It does however mean that the standard ways of doing the chores may not work. That is where understanding and adaptation is needed. There are ways to share the load equally. Come talk to me to find out what they are.
