A Beautiful Mess
No, it isn’t the ADHD that is the problem, and no, you do not need fixing in order to have a ‘good’ relationship.
Too often the feeling I get from clients is that their neurotypical partner feels that they do not want to join them in a couples programme as they feel the ADHD partner has had lots of therapy and is still not fixed….
The underlying assumption is that one partner is fine. The other one has a condition and that is why their relationship is struggling.
It is easy to see where this idea comes from. Any cursory internet search for ADHD comes up with thousands of hits that give you the ‘symptoms’ of ADHD, the deficits, the problems. The language used is deficit language. The impression it gives is that there is something very wrong with you. No wonder that you were having problems. Let’s medicate which will solve it instantly, as it will make you ‘better’.
Dear one, there is nothing wrong with you. If you are a mess, let me tell you that you are a beautiful mess. Amongst the struggles and the emotional ups and downs are stunning creative insights, innovative problem solving skills, a million worthwhile ideas, and the perfect brain for any emergency.
You just don’t see it. And neither does anyone else. There is such focus on the negatives that no one spots the positives.
All the focus is on managing the things you cannot do. There is no energy left to notice your strengths, let alone see them shine. This is the case in your (many and varied) careers but also in your marriage. You can’t keep the house clean or tidy. The laundry piles up. The paperwork is hidden in a drawer. Money is such an abstract concept that you struggle to keep afloat. It seems logical to focus on all of this, but think of the cost. The cost to both of you.
One of you feels like they have a piece of their brain missing (you know, that logical piece that others have, that allows them to organise and plan their lives) while the other feels they have to keep spinning plates to keep life organised and working, and they are exhausted.
They feel that they have to do so. If they don’t, everything will fall apart. Let me tell you, that is not being a good manager. It is sheer panic and anxiety - a survival technique. A way to stay one step ahead of complete chaos. A feeling of having to be the responsible one, of having to keep things going, of not giving yourself the time and space to relax as then…. what? What do you fear would happen if you let yourself relax? Fill your bucket of joy? Would the world come crashing down? In essence, you are living in as much of a survival state as your ADHD partner. And I can feel your exhaustion and your resentment.
Resentment that builds slowly. Why can they never do what they said they would do? Why are they always late? Why is the house such a mess? Why did they forget that appointment yet again?
You become the carer of your ADHD partner. Can you see that this is not a healthy place to be? Slowly this becomes your reality and your identity. You are the capable one. You are the one who is needed.
After a while there are two roles in your relationship:
The problem child who does everything wrong. The shame involved in this role is enormous.
The capable parent who carries most of the load. The silent resentment involved in this role is enormous.
This is not a marriage. This is not a partnership. This is not healthy. You cannot be both parent or carer and lover. The two do not go together. You start to wonder where the intimacy has gone.
One of you does not need fixing. Both of you need to become intensely and intentionally curious about the other. Notice the patterns each of you fall into. See what roles you take on and what things you tolerate that are dragging you down. Start thinking what happens if you let go of that role.
It is not a communication issue. It is even deeper than that. It is a shift in understanding yourself and your partner, and what each of you bring to the relationship.
The ‘healthy partner’ myth hurts both of you. It boxes you in and does not allow either of you to change or to grow.
If you recognise your relationship in this piece, the work is not about fixing the ADHD. It is about understanding the whole system (and both the people in it). If you want someone to guide you on this path, book a free intro session to discuss Spark & Steady Couples, a programme for ADHD/nonADHD couples
