Three Sisters’ Stress Responses

My sisters and I have been through a stressful time and all three responded differently, which made me think about stress responses and how they can impact relationships.

My youngest sister’s response was like a car with too little oil in it. The engine is red hot, smoke is coming out, and it is likely to blow. She was like a whirlwind of actions and decisions that she would instantly forget and then would change, to the frustration of myself and my other sister.

My response was that of a car stuck in second gear, where the other gears won’t engage. It took a while to get going and I would not go very fast. I would need coffee before they could ask me a question. My processing slowed down and I would stare blankly for a few moments before reacting. This led to my sisters either repeating their question (in an annoyed or frustrated tone) or make decisions without me.

My older sister (the only non-ADHDer) was like one of those cars that get old, battered, and rusty, and yet the engine keeps ticking over. Her mind kept going. She would remember everything. Until something was sorted, it would be running through her mind. She would get intensely frustrated with my younger sister and myself.

Stress responses are involuntary and cannot be controlled. I have often come across couples where one person gets totally overwhelmed and retreats (often the ADHDer) while the other person desperately wants an answer and follows the one retreating to get that answer. This causes more overwhelm.

It is really worth it to be curious about your partner’s stress response (and your own), and to discuss what would work and what would absolutely not work when one is having a stress response. My sisters and I made it work as we know each other and can and do accept that we respond differently.

This meant that, even though I had a moment of internal fury, I could understand when my younger sister took the shuffleboard game that was earmarked for me :-) Don’t worry, I am getting it back!

I run a group programme for ADHD/nonADHD couples. If you would like more information, email anitahempenius@gmail.com .