Smalltalk and ADHD: Why one size does not fit all

Just when you think you are clear on something, a comment can turn it upside down!

Smalltalk and I have had a lot of words. Sometimes it has felt like outright war. We never really got on and I have never quite understood the reason why it is beloved by so many people. Over time I realised that for neurotypical people it is a way to connect. For me that doesn’t work as I instantly forget anyone where I have not had a deeper conversation with.

Because of this, and because I know that ADHDers struggle with smalltalk, I assumed everyone would agree with me that smalltalk is of no value to ADHDers.

Last Saturday I taught on the Free2BMe Neurodiversity Training and this very subject came up. I talked about smalltalk and one of the participants said that for her it did have value. She used smalltalk when meeting a group of people for the first time. She did not use it for connection. She used it to gauge the emotional tone and therefore to decide whether the group felt safe.

It stopped me in my tracks. Because she is right. Our hypervigilance continually scans our surroundings for threat and for cues of safety. We are very sensitive to the emotional tone of conversations, so much so that we listen to that above listening to the content. Smalltalk would be perfect for that initial check. It is just enough to decide whether you want to stay or you want to leave.

Then someone else stated that they did use smalltalk for connections and that, if they went to an event and there was no smalltalk, they would leave as it would make them uncomfortable. For me this is not the case, and the statement perfectly illustrated the ‘if you have met one ADHDer, you have met one ADHDer’ thought. We are all very different.

Needless to say, I will never make such a black and white statement again 🙂

By the way, I have three spaces every month to start my ADHD/nonADHD couples programme. If you would like to know more, email me at anitahempenius@gmail.com