Why our emotions can be skewed
One of the most confusing (for me) things about ADHD is the sudden changes in mood. The slightest thing can set off the spiral of negativity which leads deeper and deeper towards total loathing of self. Last week I had such an episode where I suddenly felt I should never have become a coach. I am not worthy to be a coach. I am not important enough to be a coach.
Don’t worry, I got out of that cycle and once again am my normal fairly stable self with good self-esteem and confidence. But each time I go through such a dip, it takes its toll on my energy.
As I keep telling my clients, rejection sensitivity is not an innate part of ADHD. Instead it is a survival response. Our childhood is usually littered with rejection, whether overt or hidden. Early on we learn to substitute our real feelings of rejection and sadness by pretending we were ‘fine’. People used to talk about me as the ‘girl who always smiles’ when actually a lot of the time I was very unhappy.
I read the following phrase which superbly described how I think we learn to mask:
“The neurological needs of neurodivergent children are either met, partially met, or denied by caregivers, wider child-rearing structures, and educational institutions. These relational experiences of attunement and misattunement lead to the development of impasses, invalidating one’s needs, and giving up one’s authentic self in relation to others and concurring script decisions. “
(If you would like to read the paper, here is the link https://doi.org/10.1080/03621537.2024.2286581)
The research describes how in some families (plus schools etc) children’s emotions are validated. These children grow up aware of their emotions and their emotions are congruent with how they are truly feeling. Other children grow up in families and/or environments where their emotions are dismissed.
“It is not that bad”
“Don’t exaggerate”
“Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about”
“If you behave like that, you can go to your room”
“Come on, give me a smile”
These children learn not to show their authentic feelings. They learn to mask.
Their parents may simply follow the parenting script they were themselves given as a child. Or they are struggling with emotions themselves and do not have the capacity to deal with their children’s emotions. Let’s not forget that neurodivergence is genetic and that our parents were likely undiagnosed neurodivergent.
We often are not sure what we are feeling. I once had someone ask me what I felt, who then described this amazingly detailed analysis of his own feelings. All I could answer was ‘I am okay.’ It takes me ages to know what I feel. On a recent training day (on becoming a creative supervisor) the trainer gave us an exercise to state what our internal weather was like. That was one of the first times that I was able to clearly state how I felt. Using an image made it much clearer.
Try it. Ask yourself what your internal weather is like each day. And then let me know how that felt.
By the way, I have three spaces every month to start my ADHD/nonADHD couples programme. If you would like to know more, email me at anitahempenius@gmail.com
