Why Your Relationship Struggles Aren't About ADHD (And What They're Really About)

We are so used to assuming the ADHD is to blame when there are difficulties in ADHD/nonADHD relationships. It must be the ‘condition’ that causes issues. If only we could ‘fix’ the ADHD, all would be better.

The thing is that most of the time the difficulties have nothing to do with the ADHD brain itself. Sometimes the problem is misunderstandings. Sometimes it is nervous systems talking. Sometimes it is the leftover from a childhood of feeling ‘not good enough’ or ‘being different’ which makes us so very sensitive to rejection.

As I often explain in training or in my programme, ADHDers are very aware that there are people that think, feel, sense, and experience life differently. We have grown up around them and in the midst of them. We KNOW they are different. Non-ADHDers however have grown up amongst people who think, feel, sense, and experience life the same way, and for them it is therefore much harder to understand that not everyone’s experience is the same. They struggle to understand sensory overwhelm. They struggle to understand that you cannot hold your question until after the long story is finished, because you know you will have forgotten it by then. They struggle to understand that you may need time to process disagreements and that by the time you have done so, you won’t remember or care to revisit them, as for you they are in the past and therefore no longer relevant.

Our ADHD nervous systems are often set to Fight or Flight or to Freeze. We are hypervigilant and constantly look out for danger. The slightest emotional tone in a voice can send us running away, when you, the non-ADHDer, are simply trying to talk to us about who does the cooking tomorrow…

And yes, our past experiences will make us feel that any argument means that our relationship is over. That you shouting at us means our world has ended. That you have found us out, and have realised that we are intrinsically unloveable.

Most of the problems in ADHD/nonADHD relationships are simply human problems. Our brains are only tangentially involved in the difficulties. They are not the main cause.

By the way, I have three spaces every month to start my ADHD/nonADHD couples programme. If you would like to know more, email me at anitahempenius@gmail.com