Energy, Spoons, and Forks
What I find so amazing about many nonADHDers is that they keep going steadily all through the day and when evening arrives, they still have energy left over. Whereas my days go in spurts and pauses and when evening comes along, my energy levels are depleted.
These days I do a fair amount of my work in the evenings and I have to make very sure to have long breaks during the day to ensure I have enough energy left over for those evenings.
It must be so confusing for the nonADHDer. I can totally imagine the conversations that happen in ADHD/nonADHD couples about energy.
“If you slow down when you work instead of going at such a relentless pace, you would not be so tired in the evenings.”
“I can’t! If I go slower, I stop working as I get bored.”
“That is ridiculous. You burn yourself out the way you are going.”
“It’s not like I don’t want to do it differently. But I can’t!”
Where nonADHDers have a steady energy that can keep going throughout the day, ADHDers’ energy goes in waves. When at the crest of the wave, they work intensely. When at the trough, they collapse. During the intense periods they probably do the same amount of work that nonADHDers do over a longer period of time. If they followed their instinctive pattern, going with the wave, they would have energy left in the evening. But our society is based on nonADHD energy flows and so the ADHDer feels they need to keep going at the same frenetic pace.
Add to that the fact that doing everything in the way society expects and demands, takes masses of energy, and it is no surprise to find that one of the top complaints of ADHDers is that they are exhausted.
It can be hard to explain that to others. This is where spoon theory can come in handy. (Details on spoon theory)
Imagine you wake up with a number of spoons every morning and for each action you have to hand in a spoon. Some days you wake up with lots of spoons. Other days you wake up with only three spoons, enough to get up, make breakfast, and have one spoon left over. Do you go to work? Or do you stay in bed?
Talking in spoons helps to make usable energy visible.
Then there are forks. (Details on fork theory)
Forks are the guy who cut you up with his car, the fact there was no milk left for your morning coffee, the label in the back of your shirt. Forks are the irritants of the day. When you have several forks, they take away many of your spoons.
Talking in forks and spoons is shorthand for explaining your energy level and what you are or are not capable of that day.
Not everyone finds the concept of forks and spoons useable. An alternative way of tracking energy is by talking in percentages. I first heard that concept when listening to Brene Brown, who uses it with her husband. Imagine the perfect day when you have full energy as being 100 percent. Imagine you wake up and you didn’t sleep very well, your body hurts, and you had a full day planned. You realise that you only have 50 energy percentages left and think through your day to see what needs to give and what you can still do.
At the end of the day, when both of you come home from work, check in on your energy percentages. If one of you is almost depleted and the other one has 50% left, the last can make dinner while the other has a relaxing bath or nap or anything else that might up that percentage again.
By the way, I have three spaces every month to start my ADHD/nonADHD couples programme. If you would like to know more, email me at anitahempenius@gmail.com
