It’s Not the ADHD. It Is How You Are Interpreting Each Other

A short guide to understanding the hidden dynamic behind your arguments, and why nothing you’ve tried has worked

If you have ever felt like you and your partner are having completely different arguments, you're not imagining it. In ADHD relationships, conflicts rarely stay on the surface level where they begin.

What looks like a simple disagreement about dinner is actually three simultaneous conversations:

• the practical content (what you assume the discussion is about)

• the emotional undercurrents (this is what neurodivergent people immediately react to as they are usually in a state of fight or flight)

• the deeply ingrained patterns we've carried from childhood

Take Sarah and David

Sarah and David have been married for twenty years. David has recently been diagnosed with ADHD, which explained a lot to both of them. They expected the medication to solve all problems but instead David seems to be getting worse. Sarah feels like she carries most of the mental load of the relationship and is starting to resent David.

Here is one of their arguments

Sarah has a full time job an hour away by car. David works mainly from home apart from two days a week in the office for meetings.

Last night Sarah asked David if they would please cook dinner as she would be late home. He asks her what she would like him to make. This makes her grumpy.

The next day David arrives home from the supermarket with a bag full of food, planning to start dinner soon, but gets distracted by the post. A red lettered parking fine that should have been sorted. He starts writing an angry email.

When Sarah gets home, there is no dinner. She is furious. David defends himself. It all blows up into a huge fight where both of them end up feeling hurt and unappreciated.

So what happened? Let’s include the layers of the argument that are unspoken and that cause the biggest hurt.

So remember, each argument or conflict has three parts to it. The content (which is the part we tend to think we argue about), the emotions (old hurts and how the situation makes you feel), and repeating patterns (nervous system settings and copied patterns from childhood).

Taking those into consideration, the true argument goes like this:

Sarah

Could you please cook tomorrow evening? I feel exhausted and in desperate need to be pampered. The thought of coming in the door and smelling lovely food that is prepared by someone else feels like heaven, especially if I don’t have to make any decisions about what we will eat. I feel like I take on the heaviest load in our joint life and I could do with you taking on a bit more.

Sarah feels that she takes on most of the mental and physical load of the relationship. She does the organising, the housework, and most of the cooking.

David

Yes of course I can cook for you. Mostly you sort out the menus for the week and automatically do the cooking. I have stopped offering to help as you tend to tell me that it is not necessary. I really want to make you something that you would like though, so what would you like me to make?

David used to try to help, but each time he tried, he was told he did it wrong (as he did not do it Sarah’s way). Over time he stopped offering. He dearly loves Sarah and wants to make her something that she approves of.

Sarah

The whole point is that you do the thinking. It is the emotional and cognitive load that is so exhausting. Please just take this one little bit from me.

Sarah suffers from decision fatigue as she makes most, if not all, of the decisions in their relationship. She helped build this pattern but does not realise this.

David

Erm, I will make something and hope you like it.

(He goes to the supermarket and buys the ingredients for Sarah’s favourite meal, arrives home and picks up the post.)

Shit, look at that letter. How could I have gotten a parking fine? I was one minute late. I had better sort this out now as otherwise I might forget.

David thinks that Sarah will be furious if she finds out about the parking fine. He wants it sorted so that he can concentrate on making that nice dinner. He really hopes Sarah will love it.

Sarah

I am exhausted and very much looking forward to not having to cook. It is such bliss to know I can simply sit down and relax. Maybe I will have a glass of wine while waiting for dinner to be ready. But what is going on? Why are you not busy cooking? Surely that letter could have waited? I feel this heavy weight fall back on my shoulders and just want to cry.

Sarah does not get why the letter was that important. Yes, she probably would have been upset about the parking fine, and maybe told David that he should be more responsible, but that does not mean that he could not have left it for a while and dealt with dinner.

David

I WILL cook. I just wanted to finish this so I would not forget. I don’t get what the problem is. Why are you making it into such a big thing? I feel totally misunderstood. Nothing I do is good enough for you.

David is very aware that he tends to forget about things if he does not do them immediately, and so he made sure to deal with the parking fine immediately. What he forgot is that he is also very bad at time management and so he lost track of time and had not even started to make dinner.

Sarah

You never help. You never do what you promise. I am sick and tired of the constant not taking me seriously. I work hard and then come home and still have to keep working, while you sit on the sofa and do nothing.

David uses up so much of his energy during his work day - in a job that requires him to be organised and focused for long periods of time - that by the time evening arrives, he has no dopamine left to do anything. He sits on the sofa, desperately trying to get himself to get up and do something, but not able to make himself do it. He does not understand how to charge up his system in order to regain some energy.

David

(Nervous System overwhelm. Cognitive overload. He has gone into freeze mode and cannot think. He is retreating to let himself calm down. This is how arguing was modelled to him when he was young and he follows that pattern.)

David’s nervous system is usually in an activated state. This means that it does not take much for him to become overwhelmed. At that point his rational brain switches off and he goes into survival mode. For him that means retreating into the safety of his shed where he can be alone, as staying with Sarah (whose nervous system is now also activated) means more overwhelm.

Sarah

Why are you running away? Why can we never talk things through? My parents always talked everything out so that we could go and calm down and still have a nice evening. I cannot go to bed without having talked things through. I feel so very unappreciated. Do you even love me?

Sarah feels rejected by David. In her family all arguments were sorted out before bedtime. Her parents were able to manage their own emotions, and through this taught her how to manage her own emotions. This meant that her system does not tend to go into overwhelm and she does not understand what is going on for David.

David

I need to process first which might take me days. By that point there does not seem to be any point in discussing it. Why can I never get anything right?

Even after David calms down, he needs time to process what happened. This takes him some time. By that point he feels that Sarah has forgotten about it all and there is no point in bringing it back up again, as she may get angry again. This is how arguments ended in his parental home, and he is copying that pattern.

Sarah

We never end up having those very important conversations. I am sick and tired of it.

Sarah does not see the point in bringing it back up again either, as it is almost a week later and there are other things to fight about. She is not sure how much longer she can cope being married to David.

And so the cycle continues….

If you find yourself stuck in argument patterns, I made something for you:

This is exactly the work we do inside Spark & Steady Couples, a warm, structured, deeply human programme for couples where one partner is ADHD and one is not, and where you are ready to understand each other properly, for the first time.