ADHD and Intimacy
Why this topic
Physical and emotional intimacy is foundational in relationships. If these fall away, chances are that the relationship will not survive. When you have ADHD/nonADHD relationships, where both partners not only think differently, but also have different sensory profiles, differing abilities to maintain focus, and one of them is impulsive and novelty seeking, the possibilities for a mismatch of expectations are enormous. And yet the intimacy part hardly ever gets talked about.
ADHD and autism are such overlapping neurodivergencies, that in this article I will assume them to be the same neurotype (which research increasingly seems to point towards). This means that for some of you parts of this will feel true and other parts will not feel right.
Gender
There are higher rates of noncisgender and nonheterosexual identities in ADHD and autistic people. This is probably partly due to the fact that in their brains the structural differences between male and female brains are less defined than in nonADHD and nonautistic people. The automatic and subconscious resistance to social norms makes it less likely that they will naturally fall into the expected male/female heterosexual patterns.
If you are wondering what all this means, and the terms are new to you, let me put it in different terms. ADHD and autistic people are more likely to be trans, attracted to the same sex or to more sexes, and less likely to force themselves into the male/female heterosexual expected pattern. The natural consequence of this is that they are more likely to find alternative romantic relationships, outside of traditional monogamy or mononormativity.
Communication
Another reason for the increased likelihood of alternative forms of relationships is the importance that is given to explicit and clear communication and continual checking and discussing of consent. ADHD/autistic people tend to lack the subconscious rulebook that other people seem to be born with. This means that social cues are missed. It also means that females in particular are more likely to be coerced or sexually assaulted.
A relationship that has clear rules and that features explicit and literal communication, with continual negotiations throughout, feels far safer than the normative relationship with its assumed understanding of the internal rulebook (which we do not have) and nonverbal cues which we are likely to miss.
Nervous system
Anxiety is a common co-occurrence of ADHD and/or autism. We spend most of our life in fight or flight mode, with hypervigilance a top priority. We are always looking for danger as for us the world often feels unsafe. This means that we absolutely need to feel safe in relationships. Uncertainty during sex makes us feel unsafe. Being clear on expectations, checking for consent, and never being coerced or persuaded in a moment where we are unguarded, are vital for us to feel safe. And without safety there is no arousal.
Social cues
Any of you ADHD or autistic people will recognise it when I say that we can totally miss those cues that say ‘I like you.’ Watch this wonderful clip on YouTube, which explains just how awkward flirting can be with us 🙂Non verbal clues mostly do not work. Hints do not work. Explicit language is required to tell someone you fancy that you do indeed do so. In couples this can mean that the nonADHD partner can try to ‘set the scene’ and be met with total noncomprehension. Awkward!
Number of partners
Impulsivity in ADHD may mean there may have been more sexual partners than a nonADHD partner may expect. Impulsivity may have told our bodies to go ahead before our rational brain caught up to say ‘are you sure this is the right decision.’ And we may simply have accepted the fact that we love intimacy and go for the dopamine fix. In women, people pleasing can also form a big part of accepting an invitation, and this can lead to regrets, diminished self-esteem (why did I do that!), lack of confidence (why can I never find the right partner), and feelings of shame. It is important to note for the ADHD and/or autistic females that are reading this, you did nothing wrong. There is no ‘normal’ when it comes to intimacy. Different people have had different lives, different brain structures, and different experiences.
Sensory processing differences
Our brains are different. That is undisputable fact. One of the differences lies in the way we process sensory information. We can be hypo-sensitive (less sensitive to touch) or hyper-sensitive (oversensitive to touch). And we can be a combination of both, depending on the situation and how we feel. Those of us who are hypo-sensitive can be sensory seeking, forever touching surfaces (and skin) and thriving in the knowledge of there being so many ways to touch and be touched.
Obviously this plays a big part when it comes to sexual relationships. Some people will crave touch. Some find touch painful. Some cannot be touched but can touch others, or they have to be the one who instigates it. Some who are hypo-sensitive may want the intensity of touch that others would see as too intense.
Communities that prioritise explicit consent, negotiated boundaries, and structured exploration can be ideal spaces for people to better understand their individual sensory needs. The combination of clear rules and explicit boundaries, safety to explore, and an acceptance of intimate practices that others may not consider normal, can form the required structure to delve into what your individual sensory needs are and how they can be met.
Arousal
Research shows that ADHD and autistic adults commonly have recurring sexual urges and fantasies that focus on non-normative objects, activities, or situations. It may be that they derive pleasure from being observed, or doing the observing. It may be that they have a specific fetish.. Or derive arousal from intense sensations. Although the success of a certain book and film would seem to indicate that this may be the case for a much larger portion of the population that might have been expected. ADHD and autistic people may be hypersexual, gaining dopamine highs from the act, and as a result engage in high risk behaviour.
Achieving focus during intimacy
For those ADHDers who are the inattentive or combined type, it can be difficult to focus long enough to achieve satisfaction. Those who are hypo-sensitive may need more input to be able to keep focused. A more intense environment is thought to improve this attentional focus, and the structured sexual environment may support focus regulation, and therefore enhance sexual satisfaction.
Emotional regulation
For those of us with brains that never seem to switch off, sex can be an off-switch, a way to regulate our emotions and calm our brains. A way to switch off from the normal world full of stress and overwhelm and to enter a world full of sensuality and pure body experiences.
Having the discussion
For many of the couples I work with, a lack of intimacy is one of the major difficulties. When couples struggle, they end up not feeling safe with each other, and that in turn stops intimacy. And yet, touch is so foundational for us, that without intimacy the relationship flounders. Being able to have open and honest conversations about the subject, being clear on consent, and finding ways to re-start this part of the relationship, can be the beginning of a revival.
Not everyone feels comfortable to have this conversation with their partner - the same way as with so many other conversations that require being open and vulnerable. This is where working with an ADHD/nonADHD couples coach can help, as they act as a ‘translator’ where they take what one person says and explain to the other what it means in the language they can understand. If you would like to know more about my work, send me a message.
Warm wishes,
