When One of You wants Change - and the Other Fears Change
Many years ago I was a Steiner Waldorf class teacher and had to design a speech for the parents of the children who had done their class 8 project and were about to show it to everyone. For those of you who don’t know what a class 8 project is, during a period of three months class 8 students have to learn a totally new skill of their choosing, become proficient in it, and show it off to a theatre full of people. A few examples that I have seen are: design and dance a choreography, build a tree house from scratch, write a book and publish it, make an animated film, build an acoustic guitar, and many more.
I built my speech around the fact that many adults are unwilling to take on a totally new skill, and most adults would find it embarrassing and difficult to show off that skill after a bare three months. And yet we expect a bunch of 13 year-olds to do so, and they do, and they can.
What makes that difference? Why is it that so many adults find it difficult to do new things, to step outside of their comfort zone? Why are they different than children or young people? And what can you do if one of you is desperate for change, and the other one is desperate for things not to change?
One of the differences between children and adults is that adults are already using up a lot of energy on decision making, emotional responses, competing demands, and all the day to day minutiae. Their cognitive load is high. The human brain is metabolically very expensive. It uses up 20% of the body’s energy at rest, while being only 2% of the weight of the body. Children mostly don’t have to make as many decisions and don’t have as many competing demands. This means it is easier for them to decide (and produce) something new. Adults tend to have more of a status quo bias.
When you think of the body's economic cost in terms of energy, it is easy to see why following an established protocol is preferred. The cost is less when you repeat a behavioural loop.
Any change means stepping out of your comfort zone, and that term in itself says it all. Outside of that zone feels uncomfortable or dangerous. I find that I come across two types of people: Those who retreat when they come to the edge of their comfort zone as they see it as dangerous, and those who move into that uncomfortable edge because they see it as their growing edge. And couples often contain one of each….
There is no point in simply saying to someone that they ‘should get use to being in that uncomfortable state’ or that they have to start seeing it as ‘growing edge,’ without a thorough explanation and working on their emotional state.
Our amygdala signals danger when we are confronted with something unfamiliar or possibly risky, and it elicits a protective response. It tries to keep us safe. Whether we see this as a growth opportunity or the need for evasive manoeuvres largely depends on our background. Our brain attempts to predict what the future will hold in any given circumstance and it uses past experiences to make that prediction. This means that previous negative experiences with change will make any transition to a new experience challenging. For this reason it is vital that any change is introduced very slowly when someone finds change difficult. You want to stretch the bubble of the comfort zone gently. You don’t want to pop the bubble and make it a traumatic experience.
During a period of change, and during a single change event, it is very common to suffer from stress and anxiety. Between the two of them, they have a significant impact on our ability to function. Stress reduces activity by the prefrontal cortex (our reasoning centre) and impairs cognitive flexibility and therefore makes it more likely that we want to go back to our familiar routine. It is very common for people to overestimate how bad they will feel if something new they have tried goes wrong, and they usually underestimate their capacity to deal with any difficulties that occur.
You can see how fear of change can easily become a recipe for anxiety. The anxiety that occurs during a moment that felt scary can become a habitual anxiety, without a specific trigger or reason. This can impact mental and physical health, relationships, and general well-being. Negative thoughts can start to spiral and give rise to feelings of fear of getting things wrong, fear of making any decision, fear of taking action. If this is the case in one of a couple, it can lead to the other partner having to shoulder a large part of the mental load of the relationship. This can lead to resentment on the part of that partner, and feelings of inability, unworthiness, and ineffectiveness on the part of the anxious partner. The only way to work through this is with open dialogue, with intense curiosity, and with a strong determination of wanting the relationship to work.
By the time a couple realises they have a problem, the situation has often become extreme. The anxious partner may avoid social settings and fear judgement in whatever they do. This may cause intense decision paralysis, which is very different from not wanting to make a decision. The word ‘paralysis’ is used to show the inability, rather than lack of willingness. The anxious partner can be irritable, withdrawn, and less communicative. The effect on their partner is that of confusion, frustration, and feelings of abandonment.
It is vital that the feelings of both partners are validated. The feelings of both are very real and both partners are suffering. Both need to make a concerted effort to change whatever patterns have become entrenched enough to leave grooves that are so very easy to slip back into.
Communication is key (as with all relationship issues). Understanding the feelings and emotions of each other leads to validating the other’s emotions. That is the very necessary step one.
The next step is one of learning. Of figuring out what the reasons behind the responses are. What is in the background, or in the current environment, that inhibits change. What feels dangerous and how can it be changed to give a sense of psychological safety. Learning about the reasons why the brain is so focused on keeping the status quo. Knowing the ‘why’ allows curiosity to what can shift the situation, and what can stop the feeling of inability, of helplessness.
The last step is to design very small steps towards change. Small enough that they may feel uncomfortable but not terrifying. And to do this with the support and understanding of their partner. Over time this will reduce the fear and spark growth of the comfort zone.
Three couples are starting the Spark & Steady Couples programme (for ADHD/nonADHD couples) on the 1st of July. The next cohort will start on the 1st of September. If you would like some info, send me a message!
References
Festus, F., Liam, J., & Craig, S. (2025). THE NEUROSCIENCE OF STATUS QUO BIAS: COGNITIVE LOAD, FEAR, AND THE AVERSION TO CHANGE.
Sopow, E., & Sushkova, M. Y. (2025). Communication of Mission, Vision, and Goals: The Key to Successful Change Management in Changing Times. International Journal of Business Communication, 23294884251377038.
Luthra, P. (2025). Our Biggest Problem Isn't Polarization. It's Fear. International Policy Digest.
Omoseebi, A., Joseph, F., & Ben, R. (2025). Stress and Anxiety During Transition.
