Fika, koffietijd, and prendiamo un caffè?

What social rituals can teach us about consciously pausing in relationships

One day ago I was sitting at a ‘bar’ in Italy drinking coffee. Picture a shady terrace under trees, with a wonderful view over mountains, plastic tables and chairs, and proper little espresso cups and saucers full of thick, almost chewable, coffee. A group of disparate people, mostly Italian apart from me, sitting talking and sharing thoughts about life.

Growing up in the Netherlands, ‘koffietijd’ was a foundational ritual in everyday life. In households work would be downed and everyone would sit together, drink coffee, have cake or a biscuit, and socialise. In Sweden, where one of my sisters now lives, the concept of ‘fika’ is similarly a daily ritual that focuses on much more than drinking coffee. It is about connection, pausing, and levels hierarchy because during fika titles and rank do not matter.

All those countries, and I am sure there are more, have these sacred pauses in daily life. Rituals that make people stop, be present, and keep connections going or make new connections. Possibly similar to mutual grooming between animals (although thinking about it, that comparison may put people off).

Living in the UK, I remember huge mugs of coffee being offered when meeting someone in a cafe. Medium and Large were often the only options, and that medium was probably four times as large as my normal size mugs, which in turn they thought incredibly large in the Netherlands. Clearly the concept of having a coffee was different in the UK. It was about drinking coffee.

Rituals are moments of conscious pauses. They punctuate daily life. They make us stop, get out of our heads, and focus on our surroundings. They help us connect with people and they help us stay connected with people. They are where reflective contemplative talk is likely to happen; where feelings and emotions are discussed. They are the touchstones of relationships.

In my work with couples I often mention the concept of sacred space in relationships, and by that I mean those moments, those daily rituals where both people stop, connect, enjoy each other’s company, and truly talk (instead of those momentary information sharing times that happen throughout the day when you remember something you need to tell your partner). Developing those rituals feels very foundational. It does not have to involve drinking coffee. It also does not have to be a multi-hour experience like Japanese tea ceremonies. It can be whatever fits into your life.

Daily rituals say: You are important to me. Time with you is important to me. I am willing to stop whatever I am doing to spend time with you, because you are important to me.

Most of us have lives that consist of a constant juggling of responsibilities and chores, and spending time with our partner (or our children) is often one of the last things on our list as other actions have more of an immediate deadline or consequence. This makes it feel more important, especially for ADHD minds where the adrenaline conjured up by urgency and importance often drive our actions. Daily relationship rituals are driven by serotonin and oxytocin, and promote positive moods and positive bonding. In other words, these moments where we pause and connect together make us happier.

What rituals do you have in your relationship?

Warm wishes,