Your Nervous System as a Traffic Light

The first of a 3 part mini series on our nervous system, as a lead-in to the second stage of my Spark & Steady Couples programme for ADHD/nonADHD couples.

There are so many descriptions for how our nervous system works. From the concept of the amygdala hijack and the idea of the window of tolerance to separating the somatic system to the autonomic system…. where all you probably want is a simple metaphor of what and why things happen.

I will give you one. I did not design it myself but since learning of this metaphor, I have used it consistently with clients.

A traffic light has three colours. Green, amber, and red. We can see our nervous system as having a similar three functions that correspond to the green, amber, and the red:

Green - this is your calm and connected state. Your heart rate is slow, your breathing is deep and slow, you feel good, and you learn and work effectively. You connect with people easily. In the traffic light analogy, you are the car who comes up to the traffic light when it has just turned green. You know you can simply sail through.

Amber - your body senses danger. That can be through many different things. ADHDers are often hypervigilant and spot emotional danger far sooner than many others. When your body senses danger, it flips into the amber. Your heart rate goes up. Your breathing goes faster. You lean forward and your voice may get louder. Your pupils dilate to get as much information in as possible. Adrenaline and cortisol flood your body. This is the equivalent of a rabbit suddenly spotting a fox. In traffic light terms it is the car that is close to the traffic light when it jumps to amber. Is it going to speed up? Or slow down? This is the fight or flight state. During this state blood rushes to your heart, your lungs, and your limbs, readying them to either fight or to run away. Meanwhile blood is taken away from the prefrontal cortex - your reasoning centre - as right at that moment instinctive survival is more important than logical thinking.

Red - your body perceives mortal danger. This is often because of a trigger that started early in childhood. Your system flips from fight or flight into freeze. Your heart rate goes down. Your breathing goes surface level shallow. Your pupils contract so as not to give your position away to the predator. Natural opioids flood your system to numb your pain (or prepare you for pain by numbing you). Your mind goes blank. This is the equivalent of a rabbit in the headlights who cannot move. It is the car that sees red at a traffic light and stops. Totally stops. You may dissociate. You may simply go blank. If someone asks you what you are thinking about, you have no answer, as there are no thoughts.

The thing is that you are born with the amber and the red as they are survival states. You start with them and if you are not taught the green, you remain in the amber and the red. When you are a baby and you are upset, you cry, and your loving, emotionally regulated parent picks you up and with their calm nervous system, calms yours down. That is co-regulation, and it is through that repeated action that you slowly learn to regulate your nervous system and learn to go into that green calm and connected state.

Unfortunately a lot of us ADHD and autistic folk never learned to regulate. ADHD and autism are genetic and that means that one or both of your parents were likely also ADHD or autistic and, considering the time they lived in, were probably undiagnosed ADHD or autistic. They probably never learned to regulate their emotions and consequently they could not teach us to regulate either.

This means that chances are that you spent most of your life in amber or in red. And because that is your normal state, being in the green, that calm and connected state, may feel very uncomfortable.

Do you recognise that?

Warm wishes,