Between Confidence and feeling Stupid

The inevitable nervous system crash when you allow yourself to relax

I am in that week. You know it well. That week where you have just stopped working but cannot enjoy your holiday yet. Instead you slouch on the sofa or lie in your bed, wanting to relax but not being able to even focus on reading that silly romantic novel.

This is that time where all my confidence crashes and I am convinced that my work is worthless. It is also the time where I, because of that, start to think of millions of other possibilities. I even looked up one of the schools I worked at and my old job is once again vacant. It would earn very well…. Never mind the fact that I would be totally burnt out within a year.

The odd thing is that there are possibilities. I am talking to people and wonderful things are about to happen. But right now it does not feel like it. My nervous system is still in adrenaline mode and is spiralling down, thinking of all the things that are not good. Whenever this happens to clients, I tell them to go into conversation with that critical voice. I really should model that behaviour, so here it goes:

You are crap at your work. Why even bother. Try to get a proper job.

I have built up a business in only a few years and it is beginning to pay off. That shows that I am actually good at it.

It will fail. You can’t keep it going. You never stay with any job.

That is because I was still in my acquiring skills and knowledge stage. That part will continue but at the same time I am now clear on the direction I want to flow in.

Flow. Forget about flow. What about finances? A proper job could give you much more surety.

No it would not. It would make me burn out rapidly and then I would have less surety. This way I can build a work/life balance that is sustainable.

You can’t do it all on your own. You keep trying and you can’t. In a proper job you would have support.

I do have support. I have an assistant and I am collaborating with others. I don’t do it all on my own, even if it feels like it sometimes. You just feel tired.

I am tired. Exhausted. That is why you need a different job. One where you have holidays.

I have a holiday right now. That is why we feel that exhaustion.

You don’t have a holiday. You have a list of things to do.

I know I do. But I am taking time out first.

Oh well. It is your funeral if it goes wrong.

I am capable. Much more capable than you think and than I think.

If you say so.

I do say so. I would love it if you could support me. How can I convince you that I know what I am talking about?

Start earning money?

I am earning money. What is really behind it all?

What if it goes wrong?

I have always managed to cope. Haven’t I?

Yes, but what if you don’t?

How about you let me try this. Give me space for a period of time?

How long?

How about we check again at the start of next year?

Oh alright.

Thank you. And thank you for caring for me. I know you are trying to protect me.

Talking about not doing it on my own, I will be starting an exciting collaboration with a colleague. If you are a neurodivergent business owner and tired of all the offered support that does not take nervous system regulation and spirituality into consideration, keep Michaelmas free. More information will come soon.

Warm wishes,