The Sorbet Incident (why I cannot have ice-cream in the house and why that is not a character flaw)
Right now I am in the third month of temperatures between 30 and 40C. It is hot. I am constantly overheating. I have tried cold showers and they work for a bit. The pool no longer works as the water is now body temperature. The sea no longer works as it is too warm (never thought I would say that).
My neighbour offered me a sorbet lolly. I gratefully accepted. He mentioned that they sell them in the local supermarket. Not thinking about it, as this is so normal for me, I replied: “I never buy them as I would eat them all in one go.” I don’t think he quite understood at first. He reiterated that they sell them locally and added that they are individually packed. I again replied that, if they are in the house, I would eat them in one go. He frowned and stated that I have no impulse control. My reply? “Well, yes. That is ADHD.”
It made me wonder how well partners of ADHDers understand that we truly do not have impulse control and need to put all sorts of systems and actions in place to avoid impulse buys, snacking, drinking, or frankly anything else. It is not a personal failing. It is part of our genetic make-up.
In ancient times this trait would have meant that we would have jumped into action at the slightest hint of danger. It would have meant that we would have tried that new plant to see if it was edible (or might have medicinal properties). We would have been the ones who first plucked a flint back out of the fire, when it had fallen into it while we were making a spear head. Impulsively picking it back out of the fire and reusing it, meant we would have discovered its different properties and the result would have been better spear heads.
We would have been the ones exploring new cave systems, finding better places to live, finding underground water, finding those caves that echo sounds and that are therefore sacred. We would have been the ones trying out those mushrooms and realising psilocybin’s effect on the default mode network and its consequent effect on neuroplasticity (even if they did not use those words).
The point I am trying to make is that our impulsivity is not a bad thing per se. In our current society impulsivity causes us to make quick decisions. In an emergency this saves lives. Impulsivity drives creativity and passion. It helps us push past fears that would otherwise hold us back. Without my impulsivity I would not be a digital nomad right now (not sure with this heat that it is a particularly positive experience right now but it will be once it cools down).
At the same time our impulsivity can be hard to control. We are often not great with money (although some of us are brilliant with it), we have to use all sorts of strategies to stop ourselves from impulse buying (like use the ‘basket’ function on Amazon and leave books in it for two days before finally deciding to buy it or not buy it), and from impulse eating (only buying a snack when we truly want one right then and never having any in the house).
I totally understand that it must sound crazy that I cannot buy myself icecream unless I accept that I will eat the entire carton in one go. I totally get that our partners truly don’t get it. The thing is, they don’t have to get it. I don’t get that someone can have half the sweet shop in their house and not eat it, or still have some Christmas chocolate left over by the next Christmas. I don’t have to get it. All I have to do is accept that some people are like that, and in the same way our partners only have to accept that we are that way.
Meanwhile they can enjoy our impulsive ‘why don’t we go skinny dipping tonight as it is a full moon’ excursions or our ‘look at the mural I painted on the kitchen wall’ afternoons (instead of cleaning out the cupboards as was originally the plan).
Warm wishes,
