Tsunami of Sad

Today I want to talk about those times where our emotions take us down. That feeling when body, mind, and emotions have a weight pressing on them. A weight felt on the chest, a weight that makes us unable to move, a weight that makes us want to cry and stay in bed all day, safe under the covers.

We are often told that ‘it isn’t that bad’ and ‘you have to think positive.’ In part that is true and I work a lot with people where our aim is to rebalance negative thinking into something healthier. I am not talking about those times, those general times.

I am talking about the times where the sadness suddenly happens, without reason, and it takes all logical thinking away. We are now convinced that our life has no meaning, that our work has no credit in it, and our relationships are failing. Those moments are not the result of a tendency to view life negatively. They are part of the wave pattern of emotions. And they form a part of what is so very hard to understand for nonADHDers.

If we see emotions as water bodies, nonADHD emotions are like the surface of a lake. Mainly smooth, with small ripples when life’s wind disrupts the calm. ADHD emotions are more like an ocean, with large waves up and down due to life’s wind, but also with the odd tsunami that seems to have been caused for no reason that we can figure out. It appears from the depths of our soul and builds and builds and builds, until it crashes over us.

None of the support that nonADHDers are likely to come up with, would help. This is not an emotional upset about anything specific. It is the automatic result of being hypersensitive and picking up too many impressions all the time. We are supposed to live in an environment that is much lower in mental and emotional impressions, and because we don’t, we get overstimulated. At some point that overstimulation needs a release.

We cannot think ourselves out of it. Talking to us about it will not help, instead it will make it worse. I can fully understand that it feels very frustrating to our nonADHD partners but it will keep forming part of our lives, and so is best understood.

We have to go through the wave. There is no way around, or over, or under the wave. And that means we have to stop.

Stop making decisions. That is one of the biggest ones. Decision fatigue is a large part of this tsunami of sad. What you can do, as nonADHD partner, is take all decisions out of our hands. Do not ask ‘what can I do’ or ‘what would you like to eat’ or any other question that needs us to choose. You know us. You know what we like and what we do not like. Take the decisions for us.

Stop feeling that we have to do things, that we have to be productive. At this point we are ill. Treat it the way we would do a physical illness. Rest. Sleep. Watch mindless tv or read books that need no mental input - possibly ones we have read many times before so we know what is coming.

Stop thinking you have to make healthy meals. This is where safe foods come in. Our nonADHD partners can really help by going shopping for those safe foods. Each of us will have some specific favourites. Once upon a time mine were mandarins and finger rolls with potato salad. Then for a while it used to be sourdough bread with mild Dutch cheese. After I became dairy intolerant, it has morphed into artisan bread with vegan cheese. Drink lots of water. If at all possible (and believe me, I recognise the temptation for sugary snacks) avoid anything that can make your blood sugar levels spike as the inevitable crash can make things worse.

Stop assuming you need to go straight back into full speed ahead when you start to feel a little better. Take it slowly. Little steps. First gear.

Give yourself grace. This tsunami of sad is not a personal failing. It is the result of having a brain that is hypersensitive. See it as a release valve to let the pressure drop.

With all my heart,