Two for the price of one or how Spark & Steady Couples was born
One couple I worked with remarked that with me they get two for the price of one as I get the ADHD side but also the nonADHD side, and it feels as if both people get their own coach. That is exactly what I am trying to do with Spark & Steady Couples - my ADHD/nonADHD Couples programme.
Years ago I started working with the partners of ADHDers because there seemed to be very little, or no support for them, and I felt that they very much needed support. Their ADHD partners have difficulties and can often find some support, but the partners equally have difficulties. There seemed to be a need for someone to translate from one to the other, from ADHD to nonADHD and vice versa. I tried to be that person.
My 6 week programme for the partners soon shifted and changed to encompass working with them as couples as well as only with the partners. Then one partner commented that they would have liked there to be something for the ADHD partners as well, as when ADHDers come together, they tend to talk about hobbies and things they have done, and not about struggles and overcoming them.
That was when I started to work on Spark & Steady Couples.
During a talk that I gave on the brain differences in ADHDers vs nonADHDers, I received the comment that ‘you make the complex easy to understand.’ And I guess I do, but when you tell the same thing over and over, the enthusiasm starts to wane and to avoid that happening, I started to record the psycho-education parts of the programme. This also made me turn the whole thing into a much more streamlined and logical whole (I had to let my autistic side come to the fore as my ADHD side does not have that logical bent) and allowed me to go deep in those videos.
In my years as a Steiner Waldorf class teacher I helped the children make their own textbooks, based on scientists’ research books and writers’ notebooks. During the training I completed at the ADD Coaching Academy, they also talked about making your own manual. It started me thinking, especially as us ADHDers struggle with memory. Because of this it is easy to gaslight us and equally easy for us to feel that someone gaslit us (when it is not true). Our memories are not reliable. This was where the idea of each couple making their own relationship manual came from.
Obviously, as an ex-class teacher, I have years of experience working with groups. I love working with them. They energise me. One of the struggles of ADHDers (and ADHD/nonADHD couples) is that they feel they are dealing with personal failings. Shame is involved. One way to diminish shame is to understand that others have the same problem. Groups are wonderful for this reason. Understanding that there are others in the same situation, working with the same struggles, having to find similar solutions, and understanding that relationships can work differently, is extremely empowering. For this reason they are a vital part of my programme.
On the other hand, there are issues that need 1:1 support or 1:2 support (when working with individual couples). The word ‘holistic’ is overused, but that is what I want to provide: holistic support. Unlimited 1:1 and 1:2 support is part of the programme.
And finally, as my whole life has been dedicated to automatic inclusion and acceptance of all people, couples of any gender, any sexuality, and any differences are equally welcomed.
It has taken me years to figure out exactly what and who I want to work with. I feel I am finally there.
Where different minds meet
If this gave you a moment of recognition and made you wonder what else there might be that is hindering your relationship from blossoming the way it could/should, my Spark & Steady Couples programme is for you.
